If you are good at Frogger, then you’ll do well at Coachella. If you’re not, you will be by the time the weekend is over. Alternately, if you always picked Bowser or Donkey Kong when you played Super Mario Kart, then you will reach orgasmic states of euphoria spiked-turtle shelling the hell out of the unsuspecting, oblivious but still fashionably dressed/facepainted masses.
Coachella weather has finally gotten out of its Morrissey phase and looks to be back to normal, just in time to blaze for Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s much anticipated headlining set.
Read about day one here.
Read about day two here.
Or read on, and join me for day three.
11:00 AM – COACHELLA PRO TIP: The large trailers behind the rows of Porta-Potties are also public restrooms, except these have private stalls, urinals, and SINKS AND SOAP. There is never a line for them, even when the lines for the Porta-Potties are packed. You’re welcome. Happy peeing. If you do need to poop at Coachella, you need to seriously re-evaluate all of your life decisions that led you to this moment. Successful deucing without mental scarring earns you 5 minutes with the President. It is also part of NASA’s astronaut training program.
12:00 PM – I call bullshit on any 100 SPF sunscreen’s claim on smoothly rubbing in. For the past three days I’ve gone to Coachella looking like I came straight from the business end of a porn orgy.
1:00 PM – Giant inflated garbage bags, with guards all around it making sure no one touches the garbage bags. Tickets might be scarce at Coachella but they don’t know what to do with all this extra self-importance. The artist can be seen in this picture. They’re the person blowing themselves.
1:30 PM – Was this here the whole time too?
2:00 PM – Back to the Red Bull Speakeasy lounge before Band of Skulls.
2:30 PM – Band of Skulls – British guitar-heavy rock band. The Kills meets AC/DC with a touch of White Stripes thrown in. There’s just something about girls playing bass in rock bands and saying “fuck” a lot.
2:45 PM – There wouldn’t be as many 14-year-olds smoking pot at Coachella if Rachel Leigh Cook were here with a frying pan and two eggs.
3:00 PM – Do not anger Ziggy Stardust Dragon Flower! If this thing shoots fire, I’m in. Knowing Coachella, it probably just takes Instagram pictures and spits out kale.
3:30 PM – What is the secret to happiness? How many roads must a man walk before he can call himself a man? What time does Gotye play?
3:45 PM – Just passed two guys, one wearing a tank top that said “Coachizzle,” the other wearing a white tank top with fur lining. Never wanted to see if it was possible to punch the douche out of someone so badly before.
4:15 PM – Santigold in her Sunday best giving her Sunday best. Played a kick ass, get-up-off-your-feet-and-dance set. Everyone in the crowd dancing like Peanuts characters the whole time. Midway through she left the stage for about ten minutes to, I assume, sign up for the space program.
5:00 PM – These guys played a kick ass set including the first-time-ever-played “She’s Out Of My League” and a cover of The White Stripes’ “Steady As She Goes.” Now if only there was some way I could find out what the name of the band is…..
5:15 PM – I take back what I said about those two guys in the tank tops and redirect it fully upon DoucheHeart over here.
5:30 PM – I also sincerely want these guys to get raped. At the very least as much as my eyes were. I can only imagine how excited they were when they both showed up at their I-banking firm driving the same BMW M3 with the racing stripe and high spoiler. You know their license plates say something like “LDYKLLR” and “SO FRSH.”
5:45 PM – Coachella, celebrating the best in music and the abject failure of parents in raising their daughters.
6:00 PM – On the food front, clearly Coachella, you have upped your game. (Yes, that is an entire piece of chocolate dipped frozen cheesecake on a stick.)
6:30 PM – To commemorate their return to Coachella after nine years, The Hives donned top hats and tails. In between Pelle’s self-congratulatory tirades and constantly asking the audience how much we loved them, they managed to play some Swedish speed-rock. Mostly new stuff from their upcoming album like “Walking and Walking” and “Wait A Minute.” “Hate To Say I Told You So” finished their set.
7:00 PM – There are a lot of high schoolers running around. Before I go any further, I don’t think kids should be banned from Coachella. Kids should totally be allowed to go to festivals. They’re awesome and a ton of fun. My friends and I went to music festivals in high school and they were a blast. These kids however, suck. Fuck these kids. I don’t know why it seems like there are a lot more of these little shits at Coachella this year. They’re trying to tip over Porta-Potties, constantly barging and elbowing through crowds to try and get closer to the stage when the band has already started and there is already no space to move, talking about The Hunger Games and ruining the ending of the second book for me. They do though, conveniently fit into any of the three separate, specifically designated trash containers located throughout the grounds. Here’s another tip, all you need to do is just blast the braces off of one of these little fucktards. Word spreads throughout the Bieber set, and news of this will travel faster than that text talking about how Jenni Stevens has become such a slut since sophomore year started (“OMG! I know! It’s totes bcuz her p-rentz let her move in2 the guest house). After that, they’ll pretty much stay out of your way and fear you like their angry volcano god.
7:30 PM – Speaking of shitty kids, every annoying 14-year-old girl, strike that, every annoying girl from LA converged upon the Mojave tent for Gotye, creating one large, monstrous, hormonal, medicated, self-entitled bi-itch…..with daddy issues. Kimbra came out to sing “Somebody That I Used To Know” though. That was cool.
8:15 PM – Caught some of Justice while retreating to the safety of the beer tent, where I could relax from the crowds with other sophisticates. Hard rock, metal-influenced electronica. Sick bass beats.
8:30 PM – It was a nonstop party the second Girl Talk took to the stage. Dance party in the fields, dance party on stage. The Picasso of the mash-up remix, he played “Juicy” with “Tiny Dancer,” spun a sick three-way with “Tenderness,” The Ramones, and Jay Z, and mixed Eminem with Nirvana, Belinda Carlisle, Kelly Clarkson, and Rick Springfield. Ended his set with “N*ggas in Paris” mashed with Blur’s “Song 6” and L’il Wayne with “November Rain.” All the while shooting confetti into the crowd.
And beach balls.
And giant tampons?
9:30 PM – At The Drive-In started 15 minutes late, which led some to think that they might have already broken up again. They hadn’t (yet) and came out with a blistering set. Be sure to catch them before they do break up again.
10:30 PM – This isn’t smoke from any stage special effects. This is just the crowd getting ready for Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre.
11:30 PM – Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre – Having grown up in the suburbs, naturally I know every word to every song on The Chronic, The Chronic: 2001, Doggystyle, and The Doggfather. I’ve been waiting to see this set since they were announced as headliners.
Last year, rumors abounded about surprise guests who were going to show up and perform with Kanye West. Jay Z and Beyonce, Rihanna, Kid Cudi, even talk of Katy Perry. None of them showed up on stage, just an out of tune West and a bunch of people dressed up as dancing birds.
The complete opposite of that happened here.
Snoop and Dre’s set consisted of a greatest hits of their greatest hits. They opened up with “The Next Episode,” “Kush,” and “Gin and Juice” before they talked about how they’ve been working together for 20 years and launched into their first collaboration, “Deep Cover,” and then, of course, “Nothin’ But A G Thang.” Shout outs to Nate Dogg were made throughout the set. The rumor this year was that Kurupt and Warren G were going to come out for “It Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)” and sure enough, there they were. Kurupt still postulates that if he gave a fuck about a bitch, he’d always be broke. Further exacerbating his predicament, he’d also have no motherfucking endo to smoke. Warren G, even after all these years, is still busy getting his nuts juggled on an unidentified woman’s mouth. Snoop and Dre came back with “Drop It Like It’s Hot” and “California Love.” So, pretty awesome, right? Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre rapping their biggest songs, with a couple special appearances. Snoop also did a cover of House Of Pain’s “Jump Around.” That’s a badass Coachella closer.
Then Wiz Khalifa came out. (with a cigar spliff)
This rumor had also almost all but been confirmed. Snoop and Wiz did “Young, Wild, and Free” then went off to smoke the joints that Snoop had been lighting all show. Dre brought out Kendrick Lamar, who played the stage on Friday afternoon, and the two did Dre’s new song, “The Recipe.” Now, the set is pretty fucking badass, right? This is how you close Coachella.
Then 50 Cent came out.
The three collaborated on “P.I.M.P” before 50 briefly took over the stage for “In Da Club.” Snoop came back out for “Xxplosive.” Now this set is first-time-you-saw-boobs kind of awesome, right? Tell your friends this was the best set you saw all weekend. Then the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen at a concert happened.
2Pac appeared on stage.
Now, Paul McCartney is still the greatest Coachella set I’ve ever seen, but even he didn’t have John Lennon appear on stage and sing “Live and Let Die” with him. The 3D holographic image of 2Pac was in-sane. I was there, not that far from the stage, staring with my own two eyes, at Snoop and 2Pac interacting, walking around, and rapping on stage. No idea how they did that but it looked and sounded like 2Pac was right there, standing next to Snoop Dogg. Snoop traded verses with it on “2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted” and “Gangsta Party.” The holographic image of 2Pac had the whole stage to itself for “Hail Mary.” Okay, this is first-time-you-had-sex awesome now. Snoop and Dre have written the book on how to close Coachella, right?
Then the opening to “I Need A Doctor” blasted through the speakers and Eminem walked out on stage.
After Dr. Dre and Eminem collaborated on “Forgot About Dre,” with some “coaxing” by his mentor, Eminem commandeered the stage for “‘Till I Collapse.” Snoop and Dre then came back on stage and closed out their set with “Who Am I (What’s My Name?)” and “Still D.R.E.”
This set alone was worth the entire price of admission for Coachella. I would gladly deal with colder weather, a million more hipsters, the Kardashians and a bunch of 14-year-olds loyal to them, to be able to see something like what Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre put on.
The movie, The Avengers comes out on May 4th, where the world’s mightiest superheroes (and biggest actors) all come together in the same movie. In the world of rap, that already happened on Coachella’s closing night of its first weekend.
Oh, and watching the guide for the hearing impaired translate Snoop Dogg’s lyrics into sign language is effing hilariously entertaining.